Monday, October 14, 2013

Rainy Monday

The weather outside is rainy and gloomy. It reminds me of how I have felt within myself for the past few days. I recieved some bad news Friday, which increased my anxiety and my sense of helplessness. What next? How much do I have to lose before I begin to win again? Only He knows. I have overwhelming feelings of dread sometimes, to the point that I cannot seem to form words and have a decent conversation with others. But, instinctively, my sense of drive takes over and it is all consuming. My will alone drives me on and does not allow me to throw in the proverbial towel. At times when I have said "I give up", she (will) says "No you don't". There have been times I have rationalized not pursuing greatness and it is at those times that my will kicks into overdrive and I am inspired to try again. Do not assume I am depressed or suicidal. This is not a pity party or a cry for help. It is my own expression of my humanity. Trials and tribulations can plaque your life and rip your still beating heart from your chest. I have experienced times of extreme pain to the point I felt I died such as losing a brother and father within two weeks of each other, or being abused to the point of death. I have experienced times of immense joy such as the birth of my six amazing children and graduating with honors from college. "Where there is life, there is hope." I feel like my life is a melodrama, filled with unpleasant events, but I still believe there is a great chance of improvement. There are still times of peace and intense love--when I hold my baby boy and listen to his heart beat and see him smile at me, or when my love holds me close and says "I love you little girl", those are the best times. I am the eternal optimist. I thrive off the belief that things will get better. There are seasons in our lifes and lessons to be learned. I feel as if my life journey has taken me down these hard paths in order to help someone else along and to let them know that they can make it. Life is not perfect. But, life is still good-no matter what, life is good.