Life is a funny thing. Sometimes you think you have it all figured out. You know what you want to do, who you want to be with, how you see things playing out. And then it happens. You wake up and realize that the life that you thought you wanted is not what you want at all. You realize that you are not the same and therefore your needs and desires have changed. What do you do and how do you handle it? I do not have the answer but I do know that when I have followed my first mind, I always had a more favorable outcome. Over the past few years, my life has been one big whirlwind, trial after trial with glimpses of hope and small triumphs along the way. I likened my life to a wilderness that I was caught in. Initially I fought with every ounce, but one day I decided to stop fighting and to simply be patient and take one day and step at a time. I felt such a sense of peace within from focusing on the task at hand and not allowing myself to be consumed with issues that were out of my control.
If you know anything about hurricanes, then you are aware that the eye of the storm is the calmest. But you may not know that the eye feeds the storm, acting as a vortex, and as long as it feeds the storm, the conditions persist. I was living within the calm of the eye but in doing so, was feeding the storm of my life. When debtors called, I let the call go to voicemail. I isolated myself from others so as not to have to answer questions about “what was going on”. I ignored my heart—I was hurting but I was too stubborn to admit it. I felt rage if I cried, my tears reminders of the pain I felt deep within. So, I did the impossible—I went into the storm and submerged myself into the tumult. I opened my eyes wide and analyzed my situation and realized that either the storm would kill me or it would strengthen me. I have experienced a level of peace and an increase of strength by allowing myself to let go that I know I will never be the same again. And it is my belief that since I left the eye, the storm in my life lost strength and is dissipating.
In my life, I have experienced great loss, loss so heart wrenching that there were times when I wanted to end it all but the Most High had a plan for my life as He does everyone else. He and He alone is responsible for my triumphs and successes. I look at the lives of other people in my life, friends and family and associates near and far and it has become so clear to me just how connected we are and how our lives are intertwined. I realized the true meaning of testimony and know that others are better of my will. My outlook on life has changed dramatically over the past year. I view the world on a much deeper level. Life and time are precious commodities and we must not waste them because we will never get it back. Life is fleeting and time waits for no man. I now know that I do matter and life is a thing to savor. When I eat, I am aware of each flavor; when I hold my children close, I cherish each heartbeat and word they say; when I look into the mirror, I see a full-grown woman. I love her. She is not perfect but she is a work in progress. She aspires to greatness. She is me.